Antsy

I'm wondering if it's just the time of year.  It happened to me last year.  But, I am so antsy, anxious, and jittery that I have trouble sitting still.  One moment, I find myself looking forward to exciting things in the future, like the possibility of one day owning our dream house.  I browse residency programs, distract myself with Realtor.com, and try to calculate how long it will take for us to pay off all our medical debt and be able to go on cruises all the time.  A little while later, I wonder if I've just spent my life growing up too fast and start thinking of ways to drag my heels for a while.  I want to get back up to Morgantown for a football game this year, take a spur of the moment weekend trip, and find ways to have more fun.

The challenge for me, I think, is realizing that all of this can coexist...sort of.  It's hard to be footloose and fancy free galavanting around the world when my sweet husband is stuck in the hospital 12 hours a day.  I try so hard to plan dinner for after the time he expects to be done, and I still end up having to keep it warm.  This rotation, we've only been able to eat lunch together once...as opposed to nearly every day like the last one.  Also, I get sooo bored home alone.  I've been very on top of our laundry, which never happened when I had more time with him.  I scrubbed my kitchen floors on my hands and knees with a sponge.  I've become an obsessive dishwasher guard.  The couch gets de-furred daily.  In short, my home looks good...but I would trade all that for some peace of mind.

So, I think my struggle is trying to find a way to be comfortable with my life.  It's like I've got my first training bra all over again and am having to get used to something that is a new part of the rest of my life.  Devin will be gone and busy...a lot.  I think I've got to learn to find more ways to be happy and have fun without him, while still enjoying the moments I have with him.  It's a hard balance.  And, I'm not a person who handles change all too easily...which doesn't help this one bit.

After reading back through these paragraphs, I think this post sounds awfully whiny.  I'm sorry.  But, it's a pretty honest look at the past few days or week for me.  I know that I am blessed, but sometimes it can be hard to feel it.  I am working on reminding myself of all the good things I have going on.  And I do have a lot.  I've also decided to brush up on some of my old hobbies.  I've pulled out my braille stuff and ordered something new to try and read!  I think if I find some new ways to get a little "me" time in as opposed to just "waiting on Devin" time, I will feel a lot better.  With fall coming on, it feels like a fresh start is around the corner...football, sweaters, cider, pumpkins, and all sorts of yummy smells!  Also, the temps are dropping enough that I think I can start running again in the evenings!  Just the thought of listening to nothing but my breathing, my footfalls, and the sounds of twilight calms me down a few notches.  Maybe Devin will even have time some evenings to join me...maybe!! :]